Feeling Included

When we first moved to Oregon, I really struggled.  I had told myself years ago that I would never be a stay at home mom, because that would just be too boring and too socially isolating.  Well, it certainly has never  been boring!  But moving to Oregon was rough.  It was my eighth long distance move, and I'd always landed on my feet before.  This time was not so easy. 

My son was really too young to fully understand the concept of the cross country move, and he kept asking to see his best friends. He was really lonely.  I had just made up my mind to try homeschooling, which meant I would not be expecting the schools to provide my son with a social life.   I consider myself a resourceful person, and I decided to do everything in my power to meet other moms with children around my son's age.  And I did, only the results were so awful they ought to have been hysterical!  Shall I tell you about them?

• The mom who was always telling me how much she valued our friendship.  And also about the vicious, nasty grudges she was holding against other friends for seemingly innocuous offenses, and the dramatic confrontations she was planning.  This didn't turn out well.
• The neighborhood mom, an elementary school teacher with a son just Jasper's age who met us for a playdate.  All was going well until I mentioned my interest in homeschooling.  She literally looked at her watch, said "My, I should be going!", swept up  her son, and left.
• The mom's meetup I joined where I felt increasingly out of place because I wasn't into shopping, drinking, soccer, drinking, manicures, drinking...  The topics I'd use to attempt conversation starters were conversation enders.
• The really nice single mom who shared lots of my interests.  I really adored her.  Her son, on the other hand, was very obviously obsessed with topics most parents would agree were a little, ahem, mature for his age.  It wasn't subtle.  I couldn't allow Jasper to play with him.
• The mom who dropped us like a hot potato after deciding we weren't unschooly enough.   I personally don't care how people are raising their kids, as long as child protective services doesn't need to know.  Whatever works for others sounds great to me.  Back when I was the perfect mom (before my son was born!) I thought it was crucial that I associate only with those that made the same parenting choices.  Later it dawned on me that the ability to be a true friend might be more precious!  I totally get it that there are those who are homeschooling specifically to keep their kids away from others who don't share their faith.  I wasn't expecting to find so many people who want to keep their kids far away from others who don't share their parenting philosophy.  Sadly, there are some things cootie shots can't fix.  I know, I know, why should you have to associate with people who don't share your core values?  I agree- I value friendship very highly and don't like to associate with people who don't. 
• The mom who lived within walking distance from us, who frequented our playground with her son who was Jasper's age.  The boys clearly loved playing together, and after a few playdates, he started referring to her son as his "best friend".  I liked them a lot and thought we had lots in common.  I'd invite them to join us, and get no response.  Jasper would literally beg.  And beg. And beg.  He would insist we hang out at the playground in case his friend came by.  Why wasn't I allowing him to see his best friend?  I'd ask again.  Sometimes she would allow us to "tag along" when she had plans with another friend.  Her friends never seemed pleased at the intrusion.  She made sure I got the point that we were an afterthought.  Ouch. 

Well, it happens. Some people already have plenty of friends and don't think they need more, some people are happy to admit that friendship doesn't matter much to them, and some people just don't particularly like me!  I know they have their reasons. Eventually it all worked out.  Five other moms and I started a homeschool group, and put a lot of energy into getting it off the ground.  They made all the difference to our family.

Why am I ranting about all this?  Because yesterday I ran into Ms. You're Such An Afterthought at a kids' event.  I was there to meet three other families of homeschoolers, and our kids were having a great time together.  Of course she didn't speak to me.  This made me think a lot about how it feels to be left out.  I'm one of those kids who was really shy in school.  My mom thought she was doing me some good and teaching me some manners by insisting I say good morning to the girl who shared my seat on the bus.  To me, this was a cruel form of torture.  Homeschooling has pushed me way beyond my comfort level, as far as meeting new people.  So now, when I'm with a group of friends, I often find it a lot less scary just to talk to them, and not to say hello to the strangers around me.  People who might be pretty cool, once you get to know them.  Who knows what I'm missing?  So I'm challenging myself, for my own good, to try to me more friendly.  To not make other people feel left out.  Being left out is really no fun!