Feral Fridays: Twinkie Guilt

This post is written by our special guest, Wanda Vesana, the diva extraordinaire of the Feral Homeschooling movement.  Wanda is mom to two severely perfect children, son Silas and daughter Verna. You can read all about her in our interview with her here.  She shares her wisdom with the world on this blog on occasional "Feral Fridays".  

Twinkies!  I grew up like many of us, eating all kinds of stuff we innocent Americans thought was something less than lethal.  These days, I've done my best to be a good mom and feed my children only that which we hunt and gather ourselves.  Of course, that's kind of hardcore; more folks simply steer clear of processed foods and try to buy organic.  Twinkies just aren't on our shopping lists.  But there's something about Twinkies that gives many of us sharp pangs of nostalgia, and when it was announced earlier this year that Hostess had bit the dust and the Twinkie was no more...  instant Twinkie guilt!!!  Our children have grown up deprived of this sugary monstrosity, never to know its toxic yumminess!!! Egads!  What have we done????!???

Well, I'm here to tell you it's not too late.  Here are some solutions to Twinkie Guilt that will solve all your problems-

1. Drive to Canada! Right NOW!  Twinkies are still being made there.
2. Buy a pseudotwinkie.  Safeway has their own counterfeit  "Snack Artist Creme Cakes".  Mrs. Freshley's has "Golden Creme Cakes".  And best of all, Little Debbie has "Cloud Cakes", which have more calories than the others plus a box of 10 retails for under $3!!! 
3. DIY! Make your own Twinkies.  Sometimes when you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.  Plus if your kids help, this totally counts as educational!!! Here's my recipe, developed from the authentic original Twinkie recipe itself:

Preheat oven to 375F.  Grease and flour 30 shortcake molds (you know, Twinkie-sized).  Sift together 3 cups of bleached, enriched flour, 1 cup modified corn starch, 1/4 cup corn flour, 1 cup cellulose gum, 2 tsp sodium acid pyrophosphate, 1 TB baking soda, and 1 tsp monocalcium phosphate, and 1 tsp salt.  

In  a separate bowl combine 1/2 cup whey, 2 cups corn syrup, 2 TB of some solids (I'm sure whatever random solids you happen to have on hand will do, that's just how they used to make it), 1TB each mono and diglycerides (watch out this stuff is highly unstable!), 1 tsp each soy lecithin, polysorbate 60 (no you can't substitute polysorbate 30!  You wouldn't put whatever random motor oil in your car would you?!?) dextrin, calcium caseinate, sodium searoyl lactylate, calcuim sulphate, and 4 whole eggs.  

Measure out 2 cups of solid shortening.  This can be whatever solid shortening you have on hand.  Hostess used to just go with whatever was cheapest when it was time to place their supply order, and generally that was partially hydrogenated soybean, cottonseed, or canola oil, or beef suet. Or all of the above.  But I always have a lot of rendered fat from roadkill deer on hand, and that will work just as well.  Cream your shortening until it's nice and fluffy.  Add the flour mixture alternately with the whey mixture in three additions.  Mix to combine until smooth, scraping down the sides of the bowl in between additions.  Toss in 2 tsp natural and artificial flavorings, and 1/2 tsp each caramel color, yellow #5 and red #40, and mix to combine.  I usually get these by the barrel from my food co-op, but if you're out, I'm sure powdered tempera paints will do just as nicely.  

Scoop the batter gently into the molds, shove in the oven, pray for the best, and bake until golden brown.  There is no need to separate the filling ingredients from the cake ingredients.  The filling ingredients should magically  coagulate in the center during baking.   

Prayers seem to be a big part of making DIY Twinkies come out right.  Of course this is up to you but I'd heartily suggest you not bother St. Honore, the patron saint of bakers with this one.  My sense is that such prayers make him peevish.  Loki the Norse god of mischief seems to be more receptive.

Let me leave you with this nostalgic tribute to Twinkies complied form Hollywood favorites.  (Watch out for the occasional bad word if children are at hand!)  Stay feral, everyone!